One Month Today

Today is the one month anniversary of Terry’s death and it was a bad day. Not because it’s the one month anniversary of his death, just in addition to it.

I need to move out of our home for financial reasons and have agreed to move in with Terry’s sister. Today I went and looked at a house, which was nice, and as soon as I left the house the first person I wanted to call and tell about it was Terry. I had the phone in my hand before I realized that I can no longer call Terry on the phone. I called and told my sister about it, but I was really sad. Then, when I phoned the estate agents to enquire about renting the house, I was told it had already been rented. In my previous life, this would be a minor blow, but today I was gutted.

When I got home, the vets called to say that they had finally figured out what was wrong with Ninja’s tummy – alhumdulillah – and asked me to swing by to pick up meds. As he is difficult to give pills to, they gave me a liquid form of the medication that is actually intended for use in children, which explains the fact that it is banana flavored. In the past, Terry held the cat while I gave it medication, but now it’s just me. I wrapped Ninja in a towel and tried to give him the medication and he freaked out, running around the house foaming at the mouth and heaving. I couldn’t catch him and just collapsed in tears. He has to have medication twice a day for 14 days. I can’t give him this medication on my own and the entire situation just defeated me. It is one of a million things that if only Terry were still here would be ok. But it’s not ok. I will call the vet in the morning for advice.

On a positive note: I have gone from being unable to find a counsellor to having two. I signed up for a private counselor here in England through my GP. I am hesitant to spend money at the moment, especially with a move upcoming, but I know that this is important so I signed up. A day after I signed up with that counselor, my mom put me in touch with a counselor that works through her church and offers free counseling. I had my first session with my private counselor yesterday and she was so lovely. I just sat and cried, but I really like her and have scheduled another appointment for next week. I had my first phone counseling session tonight with the counselor from my mom’s church and I really liked him, too. Originally I thought that I would have one session with each and then decide which one to proceed with, but I like them both and think I will attend both sessions next week.

It’s nice to talk to someone. That’s not to say that I can’t talk to my friends and family, I can and I do, but it’s different talking to a counsellor about Terry and I think it’s a really important step as I deal with my grief.


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