I feel like all I do these days is watch TV when I’m on my own, so today I decided to make it a TV Free day. I had a lie in, then cleaned my house and prepared lunch while listening to music rather than Judge Judy. At lunch I discovered a small flaw in my brilliant plan in that music stirs up a lot of emotions and memories, leading to a good cry along to a few of the songs on my playlist. Not a breakdown, just a good cry. I’ve yet to be moved to tears by Catfish the TV Show, but things could always get worse.
In the afternoon I went for a walk in town, had a good chat with my sister and then curled up with Gone Girl and a mug of hot chocolate rather than slumping down in front of My Cat From Hell. I cooked dinner to music and cleaned up to some more, I even found myself dancing along to Mumford & Sons before I caught myself and thought – I really shouldn’t be dancing, Terry’s only been dead for 7 weeks! Then Terry’s voice popped into my head and said that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Dance, woman! And so I danced some more.
There are a million things that I miss about Terry, possibly more, but as the weeks go on I find that what I miss most is simply the comfort of his presence. The worst part of all of this at the moment is the loneliness. Turning off the TV today was difficult, because it forced me to focus on spending time with myself, something that is really sad for me, but I was able to enjoy some alone time today, which feels like a huge step forward. Don’t think that I smiled and laughed all day long, I didn’t, but the mere fact that I smiled and laughed at all is monumental.
It’s early still, but instead of staying on the couch, I am headed up to bed with another mug of hot chocolate, which is really just an excuse for me to eat these yummy pumpkin spice flavored marshmallows without being judged, and to get lost in a good book.
In my former life, I would have sat in bed reading while Terry caught up on NCIS downstairs and I would have had to beg him to turn it down. It’s funny how you miss things that you didn’t even like to begin with.