I survived my first Christmas without Terry. Survived is the only word to describe the experience, as I found myself unable to celebrate. I spent the day with Terry’s family, just as we would have done when Terry was live, but his absence overwhelmed me. Over Christmas I did everything that Terry and I would have done, but it was so lonely doing it alone. I spent hours thinking of what we did this time last year and the year before and wishing that it could ever happen again. It was lonely and sad, but I survived it and am hopeful that next year I may find the strength to celebrate.
Tonight is New Year’s Eve, a time when everyone celebrates the past year and looks forward to the next. I find myself torn. 2014 has brought me more heartache than I had ever thought possible, 2014 took my husband away and ruined my life, but 2014 also was also the best year that Terry and I had ever had. I passed my NQT year, spent time with friends in Northern France, had fish and chips on the south coast, which Terry had been promising me since we met. In 2014 Terry and I realized all of our financial problems and began to change them resulting in us paying of £10,000 of our debt in only 7 months. There are so many happy memories in 2014, but they are often overshadowed by the last three months. I don’t want Terry’s death to overshadow our wonderful life together and all of the happy memories we made over the last decade.
Many have said to me that I should be happy for 2015 to arrive; ‘it can’t possibly be any worse than this year, right?’ They say it to cheer me up, but I know that 2015 could get worse than 2014 and I find myself fearful at times, counting all of the things that I still have that I could lose: my health, my family, my cat, my resilience. In spite of this fear, I find myself cautiously optimistic about the new year. Not excited, but hopeful that 2015 might bring me something nice.
My counsellor says that it is important for me not to focus on what I’ve lost, but on creating a new life for myself, and so I am beginning my new life in 2015. Within the next week I will move into a room in a house a mile and a half from school. I am moving in with roommates that I haven’t met. Part of me is sad that I can’t afford to live on my own, but the other part of me is happy that there will be company for the lonely nights. Most importantly, the room is affordable and will enable me to begin to repay my debts again. Financial stability is at the top of my New Year Wishlist. I will also begin work again – two huge steps in a relatively short amount of time.
I’d be lying if I said that I was excited for these changes and the new year; I’m not. But I am positive that these are two important steps in building a new life for myself and I am am hopeful that this new life will bring me happiness and stability.
I wish you all a happy 2015, may it bring nothing but good things.