Today is the four month sadiversary of my Terry’s death. I hate the 30th day of each month as it marks another month without him. I no longer keep track of each day that has passed since his death as I did in the early days, but as the end of the month approaches I know that another month’s sadiversary is approaching. On the 28th of each month I find myself thinking that X months ago Terry and I made breakfast and had a lovely Sunday, on the 29th I think that I kissed my sick husband goodbye in the morning, came home early from work and found him unconscious, followed by the 999 call, the ambulance and the ICU and then the 30th marks another month since the doctor gathered us all into a small room and explained how Terry’s brain has swollen as a result of the bacterial meningitis and had crushed his brainstem and killed him, leaving me widowed.
Last month’s sadiversary was wrapped up in the holiday season and it didn’t carry so much weight as I struggled to pack up for the move and survive the holidays. This month sees me settled into my new home and again reflecting on the worst days of my life.
Expecting today to be difficult, I decided to be proactive. I booked a manicure that my roommate got me as a gift to give myself something to look forward to. As y’all know, manicures got cut out last March when we decided to stop spending any money so that we could pay off our debts as quickly as possible – so this was a real treat. I had to drive back to Bicester to drop off the keys to our old house which I had kept to check the post. I walked inside one last time and thanked the house for so many happy memories and I wished that the new tenants could be as happy there as we were – if such a thing were possible. Tears welled up, but they did not fall. I then walked through town to return the keys to the estate agents.
When that was done, I decided that a nice cup of coffee would do me good and so I walked to Bicester Village for a peppermint mocha. While there, I decided that I was actually doing really well for 4 months and decided to buy myself a gift from Terry for being so brave. I walked into Swarovski and found the most beautiful necklace that I bought for myself as a Valentine’s day present from Terry – because we all know that day is going to suck – and found a beautiful purse in Michael Kors that I treated myself to as well. I haven’t really spent much money these past 11 months and these were two big treats and I could not be more pleased with myself for finding them and buying them.
I found that having something to look forward today made it less horrible than it needed to be – although secretly I’m grateful that February will spare me a 30th day to survive – and I shall try to give myself something to look forward to on future sadiversaries. It can’t always be as luxe as today’s goodies, but I know that my frugal self will whip up some treats to help smooth over the bad days until a good one comes along.
On the drive home I found myself singing along with Taylor Swift – as professional adult women do – and the lyrics It’s like I got this music in my mind saying it’s gonna be all right really resonated with me today. Four months after the worst thing that ever happened to me, I find myself hoping that everything is going to be all right and that good things may come. I am fearful that they won’t, but I am hopeful. Sadiversaries happen and they evoke a lot of painful memories, but I keep cruising, can’t stop won’t stop moving. Who knew Taylor Swift and I have so much in common?