A Very Unhappy Anniversary

Terry and I on our wedding day in Las Vegas 8 March, 2010

Less than a week after surviving my husband’s 31st birthday, today is my fifth wedding anniversary. Today should be spent cuddled up to my husband in some European city that we were planning on spending the weekend in to celebrate. We had discussed Berlin, Madrid, Dublin, Rome and a few others, but hadn’t actually decided on which one to spend our anniversary in before he died. Today we should be digging out our wedding DVD and reliving that glorious day five years ago where I was walked down the aisle in Las Vegas’s Little Chapel of the Flowers to All Shook Up and I told my husband that I would love and honour him until death do us part, with no real understanding of what that meant.

Instead today I am spending my anniversary in Northampton, my new home town, telling my husband that ’til death do us part no longer seems sufficient and knowing that I will love him until the day that I die. I can honestly say that I have upheld every single one of my marriage vows, up to and including until death do us part, and I wonder how many others can say that.

Terry and my marriage was perfect. Perhaps not for everyone, but we were so very happy together. Just as on Valentine’s Day, Terry loved to spoil me on our anniversary every year, and I wonder how he would have spoiled me today had he been alive to celebrate it with me. I went out to lunch with a friend who bought me an anniversary present and I realized that would be the only one I would get this year. I bought myself a Valentine’s Day present from Terry this year and am now tempted to buy myself an anniversary present, but nothing comes to mind that I want. What I want is my husband back, and that I cannot have. Perhaps tomorrow when I am feeling a bit stronger I will take a stroll into town to see if anything catches my eye. Until then, I am spending the night in, wishing the time away until I have survived my first wedding anniversary without my husband and wishing desperately that today was spent celebrating instead of surviving.

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