On really bad days, the grief doesn’t end and often carries on to the next day. Thus, I woke up this morning with a grief hangover, if you will. My head hurt from crying myself to sleep and yesterday’s sadness had not yet lifted. I went in to school with a heavy heart. I noticed a pregnant coworker excitedly talking about her upcoming maternity leave and my heart hurt. Why do her and her husband get to start a family while Terry and I were denied that opportunity?, I wondered. Another coworker expressed her frustration at trying to save up for a deposit for a house with her husband and again I found myself bitter and upset that all of my financial dreams came crashing down when Terry died while others get to carry on as normal.
I was unable to shake the grief off long enough to teach and I’m afraid I was more short with my students than normal today. I left soon after my lessons were over so I could feel rotten at home rather than at school. I decided to drive to Starbucks for a venti peppermint mocha – it was a bad day, ok? – and remembered my thoughts from yesterday about buying myself an anniversary present from my husband. I popped into TK Maxx where I found a bottle of my favourite lotion marked down to £3 from £20 because the lid had broken. I bought it without a moment’s hesitation. This is exactly what Terry would have bought me for our anniversary and he couldn’t have asked for a better price. Ok, we both know that Terry would have never actually gone shopping without knowing exactly what he wanted to buy me, but if I had asked for the lotion he would have suffered the crowds of Bicester Village to make me happy. I paid for my treat and continued to walk through town to see if anything else might pop out. I’ll be honest, I was looking pretty heavily at some diamond earrings, but couldn’t find the perfect pair and it seemed silly to spend money just for the sake of spending it – after all, that’s what Terry and I had been working so hard to change. I did buy myself this month’s issue of Glamour which has a generous sized sample of face wash, which I am almost out of, for a total of £5 on my anniversary gift to myself.
Diamond earrings it ain’t, but my heart feels a little less heavy with my two new gifts and I can now make myself a cup of hot chocolate and curl up with a new magazine, which should prevent any violent outbursts for the rest of the day. And on days like today while I’m still riding out a pretty massive griefburst from the day before, that has to be enough.