I’ve been struggling to write blog posts for a few weeks now. When I go silent it often means that I am experiencing a low week and can’t find it in me to write anything down, although occasionally it is because i have exciting plans and just can’t find the time. The past few weeks have been a mixture of both. I have spent a few weekends away with good friends, but the weeks have brought some unwanted lows. I left work in tears last week for the first time in months after a particularly bad day and I am grateful to my amazing coworkers for volunteering their free lessons to cover my own so that I could go home.
Father’s Day, like most happy days in my previous life, is no longer a cause for celebration. In fact, it’s a pretty tough day now. On Mother’s Day, I spent previous years celebrating all of the wonderful mothers I know and yet this year all I could seem to do is think about the fact that I may never be a mother. Similarly, today I woke up without a thought to any of the amazing fathers that I am lucky enough to know and instead remembered that Terry will never be a father and I started the day in tears. I was invited to a Father’s Day barbeque with his family, which I attended. The sun was shining, the food was delicious, the company was lovely, but I just stared at the fathers there and wished that Terry could have joined them. He really wanted children and if life had listened to our plans, this would have been his last Father’s Day without them. We would have spent the day excitedly dreaming about what future Father’s Days would bring, still blind to the fact that those plans might not work out.
Over lunch, I asked how Terry’s tree was getting on. Well, his sister told me. I asked how long before it would be fully grown and she estimated 10-15 years. I suddenly thought of 2024, which if I live to see will mean that I have survived ten years without my Terry and I wanted to hide myself away and just sob at the mere thought of ten years without him. I have recently been focusing on making it to the one year sadiversary in September, which I am dreading, and hadn’t realized that I have no idea what I will do after I survive a year without him. One year without my better half, my partner in crime, my everything seems so horribly unbearable to me, but a whole lifetime without him? It is literally too horrible and painful to think about.
When I can’t handle something big, I break it down into manageable tasks. And so, unable to think about an entire lifetime without Terry, I return to this first Father’s Day without him. Today I am incapable of celebrating the many brilliant fathers out there, because I cannot take my mind off of the man that I chose to father my children, who never got the chance to be the most amazing father in the whole wide world, which he undoubtedly would have become if life weren’t so horribly cruel and unfair.
Today is another difficult day in a difficult year that I am taking day by day until I can find it in me to celebrate once again.