Thank you to those of you who have messaged and asked about my blog, which I haven’t written on for almost 5 months. After my last post, where I recounted my half marathon adventures, there have been good days and bad days and many more simply ok days, for which I am grateful. To be honest, I just haven’t had anything that I wanted to write about. For the first year after Terry died I felt a strong need to explain my grief to others so they might possibly understand how I felt, but as the second year began I held my grief more tightly to my chest, internalising my thoughts and feelings.
2015 ended and 2016 began, yet another year without Terry. 2016 has brought many challenges and I have found the first two months of it an uphill struggle as I balance training for the Paris Marathon with working full time and trying to maintain some sort of a social life. My grief rears its ugly head every now and then and pulls me down into the pits of depression before it lets me up for air again at some point. It does so with no warning and I am aware that it can happen at any given moment. I have positive days and sometime even weeks, but I am learning to live with the grief of having lost Terry and I now know that it’s not something that you ever ‘get over’ – I will forever carry my grief with me as a reminder of the love that Terry and I shared.
Yesterday I spent a large part of my day thinking about Terry because although it was simply Saturday 27 February to all of you, to me yesterday was a day that I had been dreading: the day that I have officially outlived my husband.
Earth was lucky enough to know Terry for 30 years, 6 months and 28 days and as of today I have been alive for 30 years, 6 months and 29 days. This evokes a lot of emotions and sees me slipping downhill again as I approach Terry’s 32nd birthday next week and our 6th wedding anniversary the week after with Mother’s Day sandwiched in between. I know that it won’t last, but I also know that it’s coming and there is nothing I can do to avoid it. It’s like watching storm clouds gather.
In the short time that Terry was alive, he led an exemplary life. He was always smiling and his passion and excitement about life and everything in it was contagious. I was so lucky to share his life with him for nine years, but today I feel the sting of the many years of which we were robbed very strongly.
There is no reason why I am entitled to more life than Terry; he was always my better half and deserved so much more time than he was ultimately given. I try not to torture myself with answerless questions and instead to spend each and every day doing things that would make Terry proud and living life in the way that he would want me to.
First step: run a marathon for Terry as he will never get the opportunity to do so.
Stay tuned for more adventures.